As the opening frames of the last “Deadly Night” roll by, it appears to be the holiday season, based on the Christmas lights on the tree. A happy couple walks by, but forget about them, because I guess we’re not sticking with them.
Instead, the camera paaans over to show us a nice suburban house, with a young boy in the upstairs window.
Inside, the boy stares out the window.
He hears a doorbell ring, and goes to his mom’s room. But mom and dad are “busy,” so the boy doesn’t interrupt.
The boy goes down to the front door, and opens it up. There’s a present on the front step that says, “Derek.” And also, “Don’t open ‘til Christmas!”
Not only does Derek leave the front door open, he goes right ahead and starts opening up the present. Suddenly, someone grabs him from behind!
It’s dad. Or I guess it’s dad. Whether it’s dad or not, “Dad” admonishes Derek for being up so late. And opening the front door late at night. He sends Derek to bed.
Derek goes upstairs but juuust as he is about to head to his room, he turns and looks down at the living room.
Dad closes and locks the front door, and looks at the gift. All the wrapping paper is off it, but the box inside all the paper is still closed. Dad debates what to do, when suddenly the box moves.
So Dad opens it. There’s a red plastic ball inside. Dad looks at it for a second, then turns on the light to take a closer look. He sits down in a chair, and presses the button on the top of it. It starts playing “Jingle Bells.”
Dad is amused by this.
A small Santa head pops out of the top of the ball. It’s smiling. Then the head turns around, and the Santa head on the opposite side appears, and it looks very, very angry. Its mouth opens, and there are sparks inside.
Rubber arms shoot out of the side of the toy and wrap around Dad’s head, and the toy latches itself onto Dad’s face. Dad struggles to get the toy off. In slow motion. To increase the movie’s running time.
Eventually, Dad knocks over the fireplace implements and impales himself on the poker. Through the eye.
The ball retracts its face and arms and rolls away.
The kid gets to watch every second. Mom just shows up after dad is dead. She screams, “Tom!”
And we get some credits. And I have to mention this: Mickey Rooney, our main villain, has a character name of Joe Petto.
That’s so painfully on the nose I could cry. Just a little bit. Like, four tears and a sniffle.
The credits end, and we get a burn-in: Two Weeks Later.
Mom lies on the bed, sleeping, sympathy cards by her side. She hears a grunt in her sleep, and wakes up. Derek is asleep next to her.
Outside, a random Creepy Dude drives by the house.
Inside the house, we get a look at the kid’s toy shelf. The evil toy is still up there, in ball form. Which is about forty-six kinds of messed up. You would think they would have turned the ball over to the cops.
Or at least smashed it.
But no, it’s up there. On the shelf. Out of the reach of Derek. So I guess THAT’S good.
Mom makes Derek breakfast, and brings it out to him at his little table where he’s watching violent cartoons. Rambo, no less. Despite the fact that his dad is dead.
Mom tells the kid she made it just the way he likes it, and put it on the plate with nothing touching. The kid responds by grabbing the eggs with his bare hands and squishing them.
Mom gets mad, then apologizes, then says she has to go into the office later, and asks if the kid wants to come. He smiles and nods his head yes.
There’s a knock at the door, despite the previously established doorbell. Who’s there? Why, it’s mom’s friend, and her friend’s son.
And who’s her friend? Why, it appears to be Kim, from part 4. So that’s probably NOT her kid, since this is supposed to be a year later. Maybe it’s Lonnie?
At any rate, Kim is just there so that Mom can spout some exposition. According to Mom, Derek hasn’t spoken since the accident, which the doctors say is “normal” after a “traumatic incident.”
The kid won’t go into his room anymore, either. Probably because there’s a KILLER BALL there.
Mom thinks that maybe if she buys Derek a toy, he’ll snap out of it, so she’s going to take him over to Petto’s later.
You caught the joke from the credits, right? Joe Petto? The toy maker? Yeah. This movie was made in 1991. Unless “Joe” is actually Japanese, and he makes Nintendos, I’m going to guess that Derek isn’t interested.
The other kid, who I’m going to go ahead and call Lonnie until someone tells me different, says that Petto’s doesn’t have anything good in it.
On the TV screen, a commercial appears. The toy being advertised is the Killer Santa Ball. Only it isn’t called that. It’s just the “regular” version, with 100% less death, I’m guessing.
Well, okay. Knowing how dangerous most kid’s toys can be, we’ll say it has 77% less death. But still.
Derek starts to panic, and gets up from his little table. Mom wants to know what’s the matter.
Mom uses this as a chance to make a Lifetime speech about how it’s okay to be angry and scared, but that mommy will protect him and everything will be all right.
Meanwhile, outside, the Creepy Dude in the car looks at the house and drives away.
Mom takes Derek to Petto’s, which really does look pretty terrible. It’s like one aisle, it’s lit in a fabulous shade of beige, and frankly, I’m not sure how clean the place is.
Mom and Derek walk in, and someone jumps out of… I don’t know. There wasn’t any place for him to hide, so maybe he was behind the door. At any rate, the dude jumps out wearing a creepy mask.
Joe comes out of the back room and tells the masked guy, Pino, to knock it off.
Pino. Really? As in Pinocchio? Really? If the kid turns out to be any form of cyborg, I am going to print a copy of the script, roll it up, and locate everyone who worked on this film and whap them in the nose with it. This is NOT OKAY. You are not allowed to have two major characters whose names are puns.
Pino is sent to the back. Joe comments on how Pino is always making those masks. Uh-huh. Yeah. He’s a cyborg.
Joe asks how Mom (she has a name! Sara!) is doing. Then he asks how Derek is doing. Sara says he’s “not so good,” so Joe pulls a quarter out of Derek’s nose. Yeah.
In the back room, Pino wanders around, unsure of what to do with himself. Then he opens a trapdoor in the floor and heads down.
Out in the store, Joe shows off various lame toys that require “imagination.” Derek doesn’t seem to be interested.
Creepy Dude comes in the front door and watches Joe show Derek various toys.
Suddenly, Pino appears with a boxed toy, and says, “Here, I want you to have this.” The toy is called Larry the Larvae, and it appears to be a re-purposed worm from part 4, but with crazy eyes glued on to make it look more toy-like.
Joe asks where Pino got the gift. Pino really, really wants to give it to Derek. Pino notes that Joe made the toy.
Sara and Derek leave, having decided that maybe a terrible toy is not a great idea.
Joe lets them out, then turns on Pino. He blames Pino for the fact that no one comes to the store anymore. I won’t say that Joe is chewing the scenery, but on a scale of, say, 1 to 10, he’s probably at a 17 or so.
Pino keeps backing away from Joe until he bumps into Creepy Dude, who I guess is doing some last-minute Christmas shopping. Pino drops the Larry box, and the Creepy Dude picks it up.
Creepy Dude wants to pay for his toys. Joe says that Creepy Dude has been in the store a lot, buying a lot of toys lately.
I’m going to assume everyone’s made the logical leap that Creepy Dude is the “Good Guy Who is Buying Toys In Order to Bring the Evil Toy Maker Down.”
Joe tries to ask questions about whether or not Creepy Dude was in The Service, or if he’s playing Santa Claus (man, in these movies? I hope not) and the guy says he just wants to pay for his stuff and go.
Larry the Larvae is part of his toy stack.
Creepy Dude goes to pay with his credit card, and when he does so, he drops a newspaper clipping on the floor.
The newspaper clipping is the “Dad Died at Christmas” story. Joe finds it.
At a hotel, Creepy Dude starts taking toys apart when there’s a knock at the door. The manager of his hotel is there, saying that Creepy Dude’s check bounced, and Creepy Dude needs to get out of there.
Creepy Dude says it must be some kind of mistake. He just got out of the service, and there’s plenty of money left in the account. He’s told to get out. CD offers cash. The guy says he likes cash.
CD says he gets paid tomorrow, so the manager says he leaves tonight.
CD asks if the manager has a kid. He does. CD says that he’ll give the manager a toy, in lieu of payment, if the guy will let him stay until tomorrow. The manager agrees, and CD gives the guy Larry the Larvae.
Which, of course, will be the killer toy, making this investigation drag out, and making the movie longer.
CD tells the manager not to open the gift until Christmas.
The manager takes the gift home to his kid. Or rather, he tries, only the box falls off the car seat and Larry escapes. Manager picks it up, and clicks the button to turn it on. Only he can’t turn it off.
He figures the toy is broken and throws it in the back seat.
The toy climbs up the back of the seat and squeaks. The manager turns to look at it, and it jumps into his mouth.
Bad driving ensues. Eventually, the guy dies, and Larry pulls both of the guy’s eyeballs back into his skull, and then pops a head out the man’s eye hole.
The car hits a bump, flips over, crashes, and bursts into flame.
Creepy Dude breaks into Petto’s.
He creeps though the entire store, then goes in the back office. He checks the desk for incriminating paperwork. He finds a picture of Pino and Joe. It has a label of 1970 on the back.
Pino looks pretty much the same. Great. Pino IS some kind of robot. I am not pleased.
Petto comes downstairs from the upstairs apartment. Creepy Dude hides under the stairs.
Petto goes to the filing cabinet, pulls out some booze, and has a shot. Then he goes back upstairs.
Wow. I bet the screenwriters spent seconds and seconds looking for a logical reason for Petto to come downstairs.
Creepy Dude goes over to the trapdoor, opens it up, and starts climbing down. “Someone” grabs him, CD struggles, and yells out, “Let go!” He pulls free and makes his escape.
Pino pokes his head up from the trapdoor in the floor.
The next day, Sara calls to Derek. He’s in the living room of their house, holding a really, really large Walkman. Which is why he couldn’t hear Sara.
She doesn’t want him to be “late for Santa.”
Sara and Derek walk outside, and there’s another unmarked gift. Despite the fact that it’s not “from” anyone, mom is pleased to see the gift. She figures it’s from Kim.
Yep. That other girl, who looked like Kim? Was Kim. Who is now caring for Hank’s younger brother, Lonnie. How did that adoption process work, exactly?
“Okay, Kim, you say you were dating Hank for a month when Hank vanished, his parents were killed, and his parents’ house burned to the ground. You admit that you kidnapped Lonnie, in an attempt to have him sacrificed by a cult of some sort, but you changed your mind at the last moment and opted to free Lonnie and burn the ringleader of the cult to death instead. Sure. He’s all yours.”
At any rate, Sara and Derek head to a store, where a kindly little elf puts up a sign that says Santa will be back in 15 minutes.
“Santa” heads in the back, and talks to another Santa. Santa II is… Ricky. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry. Ricky is dead. Way dead. He was being eaten by giant sentient worm-creatures.
If there’s someone out there who wants to explain to me why it is that this movie is attempting to have some kind of bizarre continuity with the last one, please contact me. I’d really appreciate it.
But while I’m interrupting the narrative flow, I’d like to note that Kim probably didn’t get Derek a Christmas gift, either. Because she’s Jewish. Which I guess Sara forgot.
At any rate, Ricky. Yeah. He makes a lewd comment about the girl playing the part of the elf.
Creepy Dude asks Ricky if Ricky has seen the boss. (And yes, his name really is Ricky.) He wants to ask about his check.
CD peeks out at the crowd, and sees that Derek is coming up in line. CD asks Ricky if he can take Ricky’s shift. Ricky’s fine with it.
Over at Derek’s house, Pino picks up a key hidden between two bricks. The brick on the bottom says, “Pino ’75.” He opens up the cellar and lets himself in.
Inside the house, Pino wanders around. He checks his hair in a Christmas tree bulb.
Back in the land of Santa, Creepy Dude prepares to Santa is up. Some little girl gets on his lap and says she wants clothes, clothes, and more clothes. And various other things.
The Elf takes a picture.
Derek goes to sit on Santa’s lap. Derek doesn’t want to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas. Mom says she’s going to take Derek home. Creepy Dude tries to keep Derek on his lap. Sara pulls him away after a minute.
Pino looks at Sara’s wedding photo.
Sara and Derek head home.
Creepy Dude sees them drive away.
At Derek’s house, Pino lies on Derek’s bed and looks at his stuffed animals. After a minute, he gets up and crosses the room. He sees the Ball O’ Death, but doesn’t pick it up.
Sara and Derek are driving home.
Pino wanders into Sara’s bedroom.
Sara and Derek drive by a neighborhood watch sign. Tee-hee, filmmakers.
Pino smells Sara’s perfume.
Sara and Derek arrive home, and go into the house.
Pino is playing with Sara’s lacey underthings, which are in her closet.
Derek gets his giant Walkman and heads upstairs.
Sara keeps on unloading the car when Kim walks up. Kim says she saw someone moving around inside the house a few minutes ago.
Sarah races in, yelling to Derek. She finds him lying on the floor, listening to his Walkman.
Pino pops out of the closet and runs away. Sara calls out, “Pino!”
Sara goes to Petto’s, and confronts Joe, who says Pino would “never do anything like that.” Of course, he’s currently horking down a bottle of booze. So he’s probably not convinced that Sara is really there.
Joe says he thinks he can explain what happened. Petto used to own Sara’s house. He and Pino lived there for “many years.” Sara asks what happened, and Petto says his business was going downhill, the bank foreclosed, and they had to move into the store. Petto claims that Pino kept saying he wanted to go back to the house.
Sara says she feels sorry for Petto, but that it doesn’t give Pino the right to break into her house.
Petto promises it will never happen again.
Sara opts not to call the police. Sara is a fool.
Petto goes to confront Pino, but Pino is holding the trapdoor in the floor shut. Pino tells Petto to leave him alone.
Petto says, “You’ll have to come up sometime, Pino. And when you do, I’ll be waitin’ for ya!”
Which, in addition to being a cliché, is also a bizarre thing for a dad to say to his kid.
Though of course we all know that Pino is a cyborg. Which means that Pino can pretty much wait around down there until Petto is dead. Shouldn’t be too long, what with the old age. And the drinking.
Sara brings Derek’s “Don’t Open Until Christmas!” gift to him. She tells him to go ahead and open it. He says he doesn’t want to open it.
Kudos to the kid for learning a lesson. Truly, this is a rare thing in horror movies.
Sara leaves Derek alone while she goes to answer the door. Kim is there. Sara thanks Kim for the mysterious Christmas present, and Kim says she didn’t give it to Derek. She does NOT mention that she’s Jewish.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Derek looks at the scary, scary gift, and tries to figure out how to get rid of it. He tries to throw it out the window, but the window doesn’t open wide enough.
Downstairs, Sara laments that she can’t get her family’s life back in order. Kim says life doesn’t work that way. She can’t believe some of the things she’s been through. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Derek, meanwhile, takes the gift outside and sticks it on top of the trash can.
Outside, Lonnie grabs the gift out of the trash (garbage picker!) and opens it up. Roller blades! Lonnie starts taking off his shoes, immediately.
Back at Petto’s, Petto screams at Pino. Then he moves from verbal to physical abuse. Pino fights back, and knocks Petto over. Petto breaks a bottle over Pino’s head.
There’s some more tussling, and Petto accidentally knocks Pino into the trapdoor and down the stairs. Pino lies on the floor, looking all dead and such. Petto cries out, “What have I done?”
You killed your cyborg, dude. May as well go ahead and rebuild him for the big twist ending.
Back at Derek’s house, Lonnie has his stolen roller blades on. They fit perfectly, even though Derek is at least two, and probably more like four, years younger than him.
A teenage guy and girl come walking up the sidewalk, and the guy throws some verbal abuse at Lonnie. Lonnie responds by making an obscene gesture and skating away. Abuser-boy’s girlfriend takes this as a good reason to make out with Abuser-boy.
Kim leaves Sara’s house, telling Sara that tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and things are only going to get better.
Uh… Kim is JEWISH. And also non-religious.
Upstairs, Derek is sitting on the bed. Although you can’t see it, you can hear a movie playing on the TV. What movie?
Go ahead and guess. Go ahead. “Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4.”
What part? The bit where Ricky says, “Santa Claus killer.”
What does this mean?
I’m afraid to unpack it.
First, I’m going to point out that Sara turns off the TV without looking to see what Derek is watching. Which is unfortunate, because if she did, she’d see her friend Kim on the TV screen.
Which would take this whole movie is a totally different and somewhat awesome direction.
Okay, let’s try to break this all down:
In part 5, Derek watches part of part 4. The part of part 4 he’s watching features a character watching Part 3.
And two of the three people on the screen have appeared in part 4 with the exact same name, which implies they are the same people. Both Ricky and Kim are in part 5.
Which also means that Derek just got done watching his mom’s best friend Kim have happy fun time with Lonnie’s brother.
I know that I made a David Lynch joke in my write-up of part 2, but I am now, officially, convinced that Lynch owns copies of all five of these movies and that he watches them over, and over, and over, trying to think of ways to out-“Silent Night, Deadly Night,” the “Silent Night, Deadly Night,” series.
And if you don’t believe me, consider this: The girlfriend character in part 3? Totally one of the stars of Mulholland Dr.
As which character?
The girlfriend who ends up dead.
Anyway, back to our show.
Sara tells Derek that she wants Derek to sleep in his own room tonight.
She takes him to his room and tells him that she wants him to go right to sleep. I wasn’t aware you could order children to do that.
As she leaves the room, she turns off the light and says, “I’ll be right here if you need me, honey.”
You know, the last time she probably said that, she wasn’t. She was under dad, taking one for the team. Which is how Derek ended up opening the front door, and seeing dad die in the first place.
Outside, the guy and girl make out, and Lonnie comes around the corner on his garbage-picked roller blades.
The girl screams, “Look out!” and shoves the guy away from her. They both fall on the ground as Lonnie skates between them. This makes them angry.
Lonnie laughs, and suddenly small rockets fire up on his skates and send him whizzing down the street.
Inside Derek’s room, the Ball O’ Death falls off the shelf, lands on the floor, and activates.
Derek gets out of bed and grabs a bat. He smashes the Ball O’ Death.
Outside, Lonnie screams and yells as the skates zip him around, finally landing him in the path of an oncoming car.
One scene later, Lonnie is in the hospital. Kim is there. Lonnie is beat up, but he’s going to be fine.
Sara shows up, and says it’s a terrible accident. Kim presents her with the Skates ‘O Death, complete with blackened wiring.
Sara asks, “What’s this?” And Kim replies, “You tell me.”
At Derek’s house, the doorbell rings. It’s Creepy Dude. He says he wants to be Derek’s friend. He presents Derek with a present, and says it’s a very special toy, for a very special boy.
The paper actually has the name Derek printed all over it.
The babysitter appears at the door, and slams the door shut. Creepy Dude says he wants to come in and use the phone. The babysitter says no. The babysitter is the second-smartest person in this movie.
Of course, she tells Creepy Dude where Sara works, so she loses some points for that.
Sara, meanwhile, is in the parking garage alone. Late at night. She hears something, and tries to get into her car. She drops her keys.
Creepy Dude appears, and calls out to her. She runs. He catches her. Then he kisses her. Hard.
Did. Not. See. That. Coming.
Back at Derek’s house, the babysitter is reading Pinocchio to Derek. No, I am NOT kidding.
Derek goes to sleep. The babysitter sneaks out of the room, which is, by the way, Sara’s room.
She goes to Derek’s room. Someone grabs her. It’s Abuser-boy. Ah. Thanks to poor directing, I have just now realized that the babysitter is the girl who was with Abuser-boy earlier.
The babysitter tells Abuser-boy that Sara is going to be home soon, and he asks what they’re waiting for. And he jumps onto Derek’s bed. The babysitter joins him. About a minute later, the boy is down to his underpants.
In the parking garage, Creepy Dude says he doesn’t have the right tool to get into Sara’s car. So he can break her window or give her a ride home.
She says she’ll take the ride.
Creepy Dude asks why she ran from him. She says, “I couldn’t believe it was you.” She tells him that things have been pretty crazy lately.
It seems he left six years ago. Creepy Dude asks if Derek is his son. CD left when Sara was pregnant. Oh, thank all that is good, we finally get a name. Creepy Dude is named Noah.
Noah’s backstory is this: He knocked up Sara and left for the army. Sara wanted to finish college, and thought that Noah wasn’t ready to settle down. So I guess she married Tom. Which leaves a lot of questions still unanswered, but Noah does the whole, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you!” thing, and the next thing you know, Noah and Sara and making Derek a little brother in the back of his vehicle.
Never mind that her husband has been dead less than a month.
Meanwhile, back at Derek’s house, the babysitter and Abuser-boy continue to fool around. They’re pretty noisy about it. Derek, awakened by the ruckus, covers his ears and prays for the sweet release of death.
And then? Santa walks in the front door of Derek’s house.
Santa is played by Joe.
And yeah, he really is wearing a Santa costume.
“Santa” sees that the babysitter and abuser-boy are busy, so he puts a bunch of toys on the floor in the doorway and leaves.
The babysitter, a few minutes later, sees all the toys and asks where they came from. Abuser-boy said they were there before. She says she doesn’t remember seeing them.
Then the toys start to move.
First, a plastic hand crawls up on the bed and starts fondling Abuser-boy’s keister. Then it moves to the girl.
She moves it back to him.
At that moment, Derek walks into the doorway, giving him a nice view as the toys make their deadly move.
Counting the movie he was watching on TV, this will be the third instance of carnality coupled with deadly force he’s seen in the last four weeks. Good times.
The hand grabs Abuser-boy by the neck and starts choking him. Meanwhile, a rubber snake wraps itself around the babysitter’s hands, locking the babysitter to her boyfriend. Screaming and choking ensues.
On the floor, a vehicle with spinning blades starts spinning its blades. It cuts the boy’s foot.
And then things proceed like so: The girl falls on one side of the bed, and an army tank and various army men shoot at her a lot, filling her wish bloody holes.
On the other side of the bed, the boy lies on the floor while the thing with the blades sprouts some spikes, which then ram into the boy.
In the midst of all this, Petto grabs Derek in his Santa sack.
Back in Noah’s car, Noah and Sara have finished their business, and now Noah asks Sara what she knows about Joe Petto. She tells him he’s a nice man.
Noah tells Sara that Joe was arrested for booby-trapping toys a few years ago. Some kids were hurt, and one of them died. Noah suspects that Joe went crazy when his wife died in the car accident. She was pregnant at the time.
Noah says he bought a bunch of toys and checked them out, but he couldn’t find any problems. Sara says she wants to go home.
Noah and Sara go to Sara’s house. Noah asks what he should tell Derek. Sara says to tell him the truth.
Then the slashed and bloody babysitter slams herself up against the window. The babysitter tells Sara and Noah that Joe took Derek.
At that moment, a superhero toy comes flying out of the house. It hits a trash can and explode.
Despite the fact that the house is probably now the most dangerous place in America, Noah says they need to go inside and call the police.
Sara jumps into Noah’s vehicle and drives away. She’s going to save her son.
Kim runs up and asks what happened. Noah tells her to “send the police,” and Kim yells out, “Send them where?!”
You know, that WOULD be valuable information at this point, wouldn’t it?
Also, what’s Noah going to do? RUN to the toy store?
Sara pulls up to Petto’s place, and slams on the door. She screams that Petto had better not hurt Derek. Then she runs around to the back of the building.
She takes the stairs to the upper apartment, and finds the door open and unlocked. She walks in.
She walks through the house, totally unarmed, which seems like a really bad idea.
There’s a pot boiling on the stove in the kitchen. And there’s a large toy train running in the living room.
Noah runs up to his vehicle. I guess the toy store is pretty close. Noah picks the lock and goes into the store.
Sara keeps on looking around upstairs.
Noah goes right to the trapdoor, and heads into the basement. It’s dark. And appears to be empty.
Sara spots a picture of herself and Derek on the wall. A knife has been stuck through Derek’s head. And “blood” has been added, for effect.
Noah descends to the cellar. He’s attacked by a toy plane, which fires at him. He fights back with a teddy bear, knocking the plane into a wall, where it explodes.
Sara finds a door that’s open a crack, tries to go inside, and a head falls on her. No, sorry, it’s made of Styrofoam. Or it’s a mask. One of the two.
Noah wanders around the cellar until he finds a door. He opens it. Joe shoots him with a water gun.
Noah panics, and falls backward into some boxes, which bury him.
Sara grabs the bloody knife out of the wall, and goes downstairs. She heads into the cellar, calling for Noah, who she LEFT BEHIND. Why is she calling to him, exactly?
No matter. She’s headed down.
She doesn’t see Noah, because he’s under a pile of boxes under the stairs.
She sees the light on under the same door Noah just tried, and she heads in.
There’s a bunch o’ mannequin-looking parts down there. And some big old Santa sacks hanging from the ceiling. And a lot of toys, in the midst of being tampered with.
Sara goes to pull a mask off of one of the mannequins, and it’s not a mannequin. It’s Petto’s dead body.
Then Petto, still in a Santa suit, steps out of the shadows. He says, “I knew you’d come. Pretty. Mommy.”
Sara says, “Who are you?”
And Petto takes off his face. He’s actually a cyborg. Or rather, he’s Pino. I know. It’s a shock.
Pino puts his Pino face back on.
Pino locks the door, and picks up the knife Sara dropped. Sara accuses Pino of killing Joe, and he says he had to do it, because Joe broke him. Apparently, Joe always broke him, and Pino wanted to stay fixed this time.
Sara asks where Derek is. Pino is too busy doing a whole monologue about how he could never be a real son to Petto. He also tears off all his clothing so Sara can see his hideous plastic body.
Pino figured that Derek had to die. That way Pino could be Sara’s son. Pino was the one sending all the deadly toys to Derek.
Sara grabs a screwdriver and jams it into Pino’s head.
This does some damage, but it doesn’t kill Pino.
Pino says he’s going to be Sara’s son. Not Derek.
Pino starts stabbing all the Santa sacks hanging from the ceiling. Despite the fact that Pino was the one who kidnapped Derek, he keeps stabbing the wrong sacks.
Noah calls to Sara. Sara calls to Noah.
Pino keeps on sack-stabbing. Sara says Derek doesn’t need to die. Pino can come live with her.
Pino disagrees, and keeps on sack-stabbing. Through cunning and ridiculous logic, Derek blocks Pino from stabbing him, then jumps out of the sack he was trapped in and grabs onto Pino’s back.
Noah gets an axe from somewhere and breaks into the room.
Sara pulls Noah off of Pino’s back, and Noah chops off one of Pino’s arms. Pino takes Noah’s axe.
Noah punches Pino in the face.
Pino tosses Noah around the room, then picks up a hammer . He’s about to give Noah a firm thrashing, when Sara comes up behind him and cuts him in half with the axe.
Pino drags himself over to Joe’s dead body. And then expires.
Noah tells Derek, “You’re safe now, Derek, I’m going to take care of you.” Derek asks who Noah is. Sara says she’ll explain it at home.
Suddenly, Pino grabs Sara’s leg. So she stomps his head into various component bits.
Derek takes her hand and says, “Don’t be afraid. It’s only a toy, mommy.”
I’m sorry, is this the same Derek who smashed the Ball O’ Doom into bits with a baseball bat? Yeah. Thought so.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be all happy that Derek is talking again, right? Sure. I’ll get right on that.
Sara says, “That’s right, it’s only a toy.”
Sure. One of many which tried to kill you. But, you know, don’t worry about that.
The trio leaves the room. Derek comes back in, looks at the floor, and says, “Just a toy.” One last time. In case you missed it.
The door closes, and the camera pans up on a nearby mannequin. It’s eyes glow with blue lightning, and it laughs.
And David Lynch’s very favorite movie series comes to an end.
Can I be a little sad that it didn’t close out with the doll yelling either “Naughty! Or “Punish!”
I think I can be.