Friday, April 23, 2010

Freddy Vs. Jason

Here’s a puzzler for you – this movie takes place after “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare.” Which should mean that it’s a sequel to that movie.

The only problem is, it doesn’t really have anything to do with that movie at all. Not the tiniest little bit. There’s no ancient evil, no storyteller. Nothing.

So do we pretend that this movie follows part VI? I mean, I guess we could. Or rather, I guess we have no choice.

As far as the Jason story goes, timeline-wise, this was made AFTER Jason X, but Jason X takes place in “the future” and this movie doesn’t, so I guess we don’t have to worry about that. This one just happens after Jason is killed (again) and his hockey mask is dragged under the earth by Freddy claws.

Which sounds like a cool idea, until you go, “Oh, so Jason died in Springfield, Ohio in that movie? No, wait, Freddy died in some other town. So maybe Jason made it there?”

And who was dreaming of Freddy, in order for that to happen? And if Freddy can suddenly enter the real world again… but wait, he was already brought into the real world and killed there, so WHOSE HAND IS THAT?

Sometimes, doing something that seems “cool” at the time trumps logic.

So here we go:

Here’s the film logo, with a little “Nightmare on Elm Street” music and a bit of kee-kee-kee ma-ma-ma.

And then we’re in the boiler room. A little girl is trying to sneak off somewhere, while Freddy sharpens his claws and gives us a whole lot of voice-over.

“My children. From the very beginning, it was the children who gave me my power. The Springwood Slasher. That’s what they called me.”

The unburned Freddy looks at the little girl, and holds up his claws. But we don’t get to see any actual cutting.

Freddy then takes a picture of the girl and sticks it into a scrapbook. He continues: “My reign of terror was legendary. Dozens of children would fall by my blades. Then the parents of Springwood came for me. Taking justice into their own hands. When I was alive, I might have been a little naughty. But after they killed me, I become something much, much worse. The stuff nightmares are made of.”

While this is all going on, we get shots of people throwing Molotov cocktails into Freddy’s boiler room building, and things going up in flames.

And then shots of Freddy’s “Super Evil Eyes.” They’ve upgraded his makeup a bit.

“The children still feared me, and their fear gave me the power to invade their dreams. And that’s when the fun really began! Until they figured out a way to forget about me. To erase me completely.”

While all this is going on, we get to watch a bunch of Freddy’s greatest hits. I’m going to do you a favor and skip some of the monologue, and pick it up here:

“I can’t come back if nobody remembers me! I can’t come back if nobody’s afraid! I had to search the bowels of hell. But I found someone, someone who’ll make ‘em remember. He may get the blood, but I’ll get the glory. And that fear is my ticket home.”

As Freddy wraps up three solid minutes of telling us his evil scheme, we get a shot of Jason’s hockey mask. We move in on the eye hole, where we can see a teenage girl.

And now we move to a dock, where the girl hears a noise and calls to some dude named Mike. Strangely, she’s not sure if it’s him or not. She removes her shirt in an effort to taunt him. Or enamor him. Or possibly to wake up all the teenage dudes wondering when Freddy is gonna shut up and let the movie roll.

She tells Mike she’s going in the water. Then she strips down and dives in. She hears another noise, and decides that, “It’s not funny any more.” She goes back on the dock, and puts on her shirt.

Without getting dressed the rest of the way, she looks around, until she spots Jason in the woods and figures it would be prudent to run away. Since she’s wearing an almost-buttoned shirt, the censors let this one go. After all, it’s like 42% less exploitative if the naked woman is almost wearing a shirt.

The girl runs, screams, trips, falls. Stands around looking for Jason. Backs up into something. It’s a tree. She walks around the tree, and turns around. There’s Jason, who jams his machete through her AND the tree.

Jason hears a voice. His mother.

The girl, who is mostly dead, but partially alive, says, “I should’ve been watching them, not drinking, not meeting a boy at the lake.” The girl becomes a boy, and the boy becomes another girl. They’re all fairly penitent.

Jason’s mom appears behind him, and she’s got something to say, too: “Jason. My special, special boy. Do you know what your gift is? No matter what they do to you, you cannot die. You can never die. You’ve just been sleeping, honey. But now the time has come to wake up. Mommy has something she wants you to do. I need you to go to Elm Street. The children have been very bad on Elm Street. Rise up, Jason. Your work isn’t finished!”

While mom is babbling, in some place or another, we get to watch Jason’s heart beating.

“Hear my voice and live again!”

Wherever Jason is, he opens his eyes, crawls out of his grave, and starts walking. Maybe to Elm Street. Maybe to a 7-11 to get a slurpee.

“Make them remember me Jason, make them remember what fear tastes like. I’ve been away from my children for far too long.”

On that last line, “mom” morphs into Freddy.

So, that would mean that for six of the last six-and-a-half minutes, Freddy’s been running his mouth. Hoo boy. That’s gonna get tiresome.

Another conundrum. Assuming Jason was buried anywhere remotely related to Crystal lake, he’s either in New Jersey or Connecticut, depending on which Jason movie you’re referencing.

I sincerely hope the next shot is of Jason hailing a taxi. Or standing in line at the airport. That dude’s got a long, long, long walk ahead of him if he’s headed to Ohio.

They throw the title of the movie at us, and we’re onto the next scene.

Which takes place at the Nancy house. Which… has a red door.

It seems that Wes Craven is the only man in the world who believes in the blue door. But you know what? Forget it. This movie already has no real reason to exist, beyond profit. Freddy is dead both in the movie world, and in the real world. And in the real world in the movie world.

Remember how I said we might as well forget “New Nightmare?” While you’re at it, you should probably forget “Freddy’s Dead,” seeing as how Freddy left Springwood in that movie. And was killed. And also got his power from dream demons.

Inside the house are three girls, who are playing a game that pretty much has no bearing on the plot, so forget about it.

The three girls are Kia, Lori, and Gibb. Kia is black, Lori is blonde, and Gibb is smoking and drinking. She opens a window, and tosses her cigarette into the night, where it bounces off Jason’s mask.

I wonder if Jason is tired after his walk?

Gibb gets ready to head out and buy more beer. She opens the door and, “Surprise!” It’s Gibb’s boyfriend, Trey. He brought beer. He also brought a dude named Blake.

Lori isn’t happy about this, but Kia points out that Lori needs a man. Apparently her boyfriend Will moved away, and never calls, or writes, or emails.

Lori looks over at Blake, who is taking a hit off his drink and scratching his man-bits.

Later, Blake compliments Lori on the feng shui of the house. Kia says Blake should check out Lori’s bedroom. Kia might be the worst friend ever.

Blake suggests to Gibb that he has a kink in his neck that needs massaging. Gibb says she needs more drinks before any massaging will happen, and Lori asks what Gibb sees in him. Apparently? Nothing.

Blake reminds Gibb that angering him is a bad idea, the two of them head upstairs.

Lori asks Blake to get them some beers, and then tells Kia that Blake sucks. Also there some exposition about how Lori’s mom is dead, and how her dad “needs” her.

In the kitchen, Blake gets some beers, and then sees that the back door is wide open. A gust of wind shuts it.

Jason-cam heads upstairs and gets ready to do some stabbin’. Gibb and Trey are having a grand time. Which is over about six seconds later. Gibb tries to cuddle, but Trey hates that kind of thing. So she goes to take a shower instead.

Trey grabs a beer, and Jason steps out of the shadows and stabs him a lot. Then he folds the bed, in order to demonstrate that he’s, like, totally still got it.

Gibb gets out of the shower, and steps in a puddle of blood. She touches it, decides not to consider trying to escape out a window, and steps into the next room, where she sees Trey, being all dead-like.

She starts screaming.

Moments later, everyone is out of the house, screaming and yelling and calling for help.

Luckily, a cop car arrives at that moment.

The cops overrun the house, and a young cop and an old cop walk through the house and out the door, while the young one goes, “It’s gotta be Freddy! It’s even the same house!” And the old one says, “Don’t say that name. We’ve got to keep it together!”

All the kids are taken down to the station and questioned.

Old Cop and Young Cop determine that the kids don’t know “anything,” and another cop, Stubbs brings Lori some coffee and says her dad will be there soon and that they don’t have a suspect.

Lori overheard Freddy’s name being said, but can’t think of it. She rests her head on the table and closes her eyes, and then comes up with it.

She opens her eyes, and looks up, and the cop shop is devoid of people. She walks through the empty building, following drops of blood that vanish as they hit the floor. She passes by a punch of signs that say, “MISSING” and have shots of kids on them.

She finds a young girl lying on the floor, and touches her on the shoulder. The girl turns to her. Her eyes have been clawed out. She tells Lori: “His name is Freddy Krueger, and he loves children, especially little girls. Freddy’s coming back. Soon he’ll be strong enough. It’s OK to be afraid. We were all afraid. Warn your friends. Warn everyone.”

Lori steps back and runs into the wall. The wall becomes the door to the Nancy house. Out on the lawn are a bunch of gravestones. Nearby, little girls do the Freddy chant incorrectly.

Grab your crucifix is replaced with “a,” and gonna stay up late is replaced with “try to.”

Freddy suddenly jumps out and basically yells boo.

Lori wakes up in the cop shop.

Over at Blake’s house, his dad gets up in his grill about how he was supposed to be watching his sister. He retorts that his best friend was just killed. Blake tells the air that he knows some guy named Freddy did this, and Blake is going to take Freddy out himself.

Something moves in the bushes, and Blake goes to investigate. He hears something move, and turns, and there’s a goat. And Freddy is down the street. A shadow Freddy springs out from Freddy-Freddy and tries to slash Blake, but nothing happens.

Blake leaves, as Freddy says, “Not strong enough yet. Well, I will be soon enough. Until then, I’ll let Jason have some fun.”

Man, do I miss the days when Freddy didn’t talk. I miss them so, so much.

Blake wakes up. His dad is sitting next to him. Blake touches his dad on the shoulder, and his head falls off. Blake stands up. Jason carves him up. Trey will not be avenged this night.

At the local mental hospital, a patient asks what his Hypnocil does. Well, well. Continuity. Didn’t see that coming.

Turns out they all have to take it.

The next dude comes up, and sees on the news that someone was killed in Lori’s house. This is, it turns out, the famous Will who Lori is deeply in love with, even though he never calls or writes.

The dude who asks about Hypnocil is Will’s friend, Mark. They discuss some stuff about nightmares, and how Will seems to think that Lori’s dad killed her mom. Which is how he ended up in an institution.


Mark realize that Will really cares about Lori, so he decides to act all crazy so the guard-dude will inject him with sleepy-time drugs. So that Mark can steal the dude’s keys for Will.


Will breaks out. Or rather, I guess he just unlocks the door and walks out, but never mind. He takes his very doped friend with him.

The next day, Lori’s dad gives her drugged orange juice. Or rather, he tries to, and says she should stay home, but she says she wants to see her friends.

So she heads off to school, without her drugged juice. Probably important note: When she falls asleep for a half-second, her dad develops Freddy-face.

At school, the girls convene and everyone learns that Blake and Trey are both dead. It seems people are thinking Blake went crazy. Kia insists that this is “messed up.” She should have insisted on “acting lessons.”

Inside the school, the kid named Linderman tells Lori he’s sorry about what happened, and offers to listen if she wants to talk. Kia tells him to put his hormones back in a box and let this go. This is, of course, the same Kia who insisted Lori should totally nail Blake the night before.

Two dudes in the hall pass out invites to a big party.

Lori chooses now to tell her friends all about Freddy and her bad dreams. Interesting choice, there, Lori.

As she explains, another dude appears in the hallway and sings the Freddy chant. Oh. It’s Mark. It seems he knows all about Freddy. He gives her, and the audience, all the exposition they missed at the beginning when they fell asleep during Freddy’s monologue.

Will appears at the other end of the hall, and tells Mark to stop scaring Lori. Lori is so surprised to see Will that she passes out. Will and Mark run.

Lori naps in the nurse’s office. Kia wants to know why Lori isn’t awake yet.

Kia and Gibb sit in the waiting room. Kia is reading a magazine about plastic surgery. Suddenly, Freddy sticks his claws out of the magazine, says, “Got your nose!” and yanks Kia’s CGI nose off.

Kia wakes up, unharmed.

Mark and Will, still in the hallways of the school, keep on wandering around.

A couple of cops spot them, and they run… to the library.

They check old newspaper records, and discover every mention of Freddy has been wiped out, including Mark’s brother’s suicide.

There’s more discussion, and a location move, so that the boys can explain to the audience yet again that anyone who remembers Freddy is moved to the mental hospital, because if no one fears Freddy then Freddy can’t return.

Which completely abandons all the ideas found in the movies from “Dream Warriors” on, which tout the idea any Elm Street kid being attacked by Freddy must have some sort of connection to a previous Freddy victim.

Remember? Kristy was the last of the Elm Street Kids, and she brought Alice into the fray, and then Alice’s baby started dragging other people in.

Mark tries to convince Will that they should leave before things get bad. Will says he must talk to Lori.

Mark tells Will he gets one night, and gives Will his really easy-to-spot van.

Out in some corn field: Rave! All the kids are there. Including Linderman. A bunch of dudes try to pour beer down his throat. Ah, teenage hijinks.

Linderman finds Lori and offers to get her a drink, and Kia arrives and is mean to Linderman again.

Off in the middle of somewhere-or-other, Jason picks up a rusty metal pipe.

Linderman verbally slaps back at Kia, but it’s sort of lame.

Elsewhere in the party, Freddy is now a topic of conversation. Which makes Gibb mad, so she throws beer on someone.

Will shows up, and reveals to Lori that he’s been writing to her while he was at Westin Hills, the mental hospital. And that he came to find her because he heard about the kid that was killed at her house.

Will wants to know where Lori’s dad was when the killing happened – she tells him he was out of town. She mentions Freddy, and then suddenly Kia shows up and decides they all need to do some dancing, at this random time when it would really be a much better idea to figure things out.

Also, Kia is now being “nice” to Linderman, so the plot doesn’t come to a screeching halt.

I’m searching for even a single reason to like Kia, and I’ve got nothing. Anyone want to jump in here?

Gibb goes wandering drunkenly through the corn field – and there’s Trey. Who is mighty dead, but still bossy as anything. Gibb follows him. She arrives at a silo, and walks on in. Not an awesome plan.

Inside, it looks boiler-room-y. She sees the shadow of Freddy. She tries to leave, but there’s no door.

Out in the real world, she’s passed out on the ground, and a raver is looking at her and thinking raver thoughts.

In the dream, Gibb wanders around the boiler room. And on a scaffolding. She trips and falls down to the first floor.

Outside the dream, raver-boy is kissing up on her. Bleah…

In the dream, Gibb gets up off the floor and hides in a locker. Cutting off all exit options. Genius.

Freddy pulls off the door and goes to strike, and blood suddenly flies out of Gibb and onto Freddy.

In the real world, Jason has just stuck his machete through both raver-boy and Gibb. Which means she died while being drunkenly molested the day after her boyfriend died. You know something? That’s just depressing. European art-film makers would consider filming something like that, and cut it because it was just too sad.

This is followed by Jason tossing raver-boy off his machete so he flies way, way, way off into the cornfield.

In the dream, Freddy is displeased that he lost his victim.

Back at the party, two dudes smoke pot. They turn around, and see Jason. They taunt him. Jason turns one dude’s head around on his neck. The other guy throws booze on Jason and sets fire to him.

Jason doesn’t care. He pulls out his machete and gives stalk.

He leaves a trail of fire in the corn as he walks.

Soon-to-be-dead dude runs back to the party. Nice work. Jason throws his machete and impales the guy. Then he goes into the party area and starts cutting people down. Everyone runs.

Lori and pals find Gibb on the way to running.

Moments later, they’re all in the van driving away. Everyone wants to know if that dude was Freddy, and Lori is all, “No, that’s someone else.”

Kia says they should call the police. Linderman just says he wants to go home.

So they drop off Kia at home. Uh… what?

Also, there’s some pot-smoking dude in the van. No idea who that guy is.

Hey people. Your best friend was just stabbed to death. CALL THE COPS.

After everyone else is dropped off, Will and Lori sit in the van and talk. Will tells Lori that he saw Lori’s dad kill her mom. Lori is all, “No,” but Will is all, “Yes!” and then Lori’s dad taps the window.

Lori and Will get out of the van, and there’s verbal and physical scuffling as Will claims that dad had him committed, and dad claims that Will is endangering Lori.

Finally, Lori stomps into the house, and dad follows. Lori wants a copy of mom’s death certificate or autopsy report. Dad says “this isn’t the time.”

Turns out dad does some consulting at Westin Hills.

Dad tells Lori to take some pills and get some sleep. Lori runs up to her room and locks the door. She escapes out a window. Dad breaks in, but Lori is already gone.

Lori walks away as a reasonable pace, and runs into Will. They get back in the van and go to find Mark.

Mark is sitting in his house, looking through drawers at an old photo of his brother. Suddenly he hears a voice call to him. He opens a door, and across the hall is another door with a light under it. And also mist.

Mark opens the door into the world’s largest bathroom. I swear, it’s the size of the entire second floor of my house.

He realizes that he needs to stay awake, so he opens the medicine cabinet and takes out something called Wake Aid. There’s only one pill. He’s about to take it, but first he closes the medicine cabinet, and there’s Freddy’s face.

He drops the pill. He turns around, and the previously empty bathtub now contains bloody water and Mark’s dead brother, who accuses Mark and everyone else of forgetting him.

Then Mark’s brother develops Freddy voice, so that Freddy can once again explain the plot to everyone. I’d type it all out again, but it’s just so painfully redundant. Essentially he says that he brought Jason back to kill some people so that Freddy would be remembered, only now Jason won’t stop killing people.

Of course, there is something like six billion people in the world. Why can’t Freddy share?

Blood pours across the floor, and little tendrils sprout and stick themselves into Mark’s feet. Then snakes start writhing around on the floor as well. Mark cries out that he wants someone to wake him up.

Outside, in the real world, Lori and Mark speed up to the curb and jump out of the van. Why all the urgency? They were driving at totally normal speeds a couple of minutes ago. What gives? It’s not like they knew Mark was under attack.

They run around the house, trying to find Mark. He’s asleep on his desk.

In the dream world, Freddy tells Mark to pass on a message. Mark says no. Freddy says he’ll have to pass on the message himself then. He throws Mark across the room and sets Mark on fire.

In the real world, Mark starts on fire. Will and Lori freak out. Mark begs for help. Then slashes appear on his face. He falls down. On his back, the words “Freddy’s Back” are burned into Mark’s back.

You get the joke, right? Or perhaps you need Freddy to explain it, via monologue?

At the cop shop, the old cop looks through photos of the rave where everyone got all chopped up and such.

Stubbs comes in and says he knows who did the killing. He’s determined it’s a copycat of Jason. Interesting theory.

Old cop explains that it’s not, that they know who the killer is, and they solved the problem four years ago and they’ll solve it again.

I have no idea what that dude is talking about. None at all.

Walk through this with me.

“Freddy’s Dead” was released in 1991, with the statement that the event in the movie take place “ten years in the future.” That would be 2001, right?

“Freddy Vs. Jason” takes place in 2003.

I guess you could stretch things and say that 2000 is “kinda” ten years in the future and 2003 is “kinda” four years after 2000. With a lot of rounding. And math performed by toddlers.

But wait! There are more problems! All the teens from the van, including the stoner dude, are now back together in some location or another, talking about what they should do. They consider leaving, but they figure Freddy will follow them.

Except established cannon states that he can’t follow them. He can only travel using the mind of his daughter, who I guess is still alive and well somewhere. Of course, by that logic, Freddy shouldn’t be in Springwood any more. Perhaps when he was killed, he was sent back?

Stubbs arrives, and the kids figure they’re in trouble. But no. Stubbs is cool like that.

Stubbs also fills all the kids in on Jason’s backstory, since the screenwriters couldn’t figure out a way to get Freddy to do it. They abbreviate a bit, with Jason drowning at 11, and then saying someone “made the mistake” of killing his mother.

At any rate, Linderman says Jason is the real deal, and not a copycat.

And Lori, who is falling asleep in the corner, says that Freddy died by fire, Jason by water. “How can we use that?” she asks.

While we’re at it, Will once again explains that Freddy must have brought Jason back, but now Freddy can’t control Jason.

Thanks, dude. I didn’t get that the first fourteen times.

Everyone ignores Lori, who is clearly babbling just to hear herself talk. They decide they need to sacrifice a virgin to Freddy, and figure that Lori should be the one sacrificed.

I know the fire/water thing was stupid, but this seems extreme.

Lori’s dad appears, and goes to kiss Lori. Naturally, dad is actually Freddy. Lori fights back, and yanks off his ear.

In the real world, Lori’s friends wake her up, and she looks down at her hand and sees that she’s still holding Freddy’s ear.

She drops it, and the ear dissolves into maggots.

They realize they aren’t safe awake or asleep, and Lori says, “No, no, it’s our dreams.”

(Lori is sort of right and sort of wrong. If a killer is out there with a machete, he can pretty much attack you whether you’re awake or asleep. The ability to invade your dreams isn’t necessary.)

They figure out it’s the Hypnocil that’s been keeping the bad dreams at bay, and they look it up online. It still hasn’t been approved by the FDA. Really? It’s been about 20 years. You would think they would have gotten on that.

They decide to go back to Westin Hills, instead of calling Lori’s dad, who offered her pills less than three hours ago.

Or calling the rest of the cops in, since they would surely be happy to provide the meds as well.

Whatever. They go to Westin hills.

Linderman, Stubbs, and stoner-boy (I’d kill for a name on this guy… also, I want to know when he became friends with the rest of the group) go into the computer room, which is like something out of a 1960s sci-fi film. Stubbs leaves, and Linderman follows, but stoner-boy decides to stop for a j-break.

I’m not even joking.

A security guard goes to check out a door that’s being pounded on. The movie cuts away, and when it cuts back, the guard has been crushed by the door. Sorry about that, day-player-dude.

Will and Lori and Kia go to the D wing, where they find a bunch of people who wouldn’t stop dreaming. They’re all in comas from taking too much Hypnocil.

Lori’s dad’s name is at the bottom of their charts.

Stoner-boy continues to get baked. A freaky CGI caterpillar comes in with a bong, and blows smoke on stoner-boy. So stoner-boy follows the caterpillar. He goes into the next room, and sees all the victims sitting up and asking about Hypnocil.

They tell him where it is, and tell him to pour it down the drain. He says, “nay!” and looks up. The caterpillar falls off the ceiling and shoots down his throat.

By the by, he finally appears to have a name. Freeburg. Which is clearly a “Free Bird” pot-smoking kind of joke. So I’m going to keep calling him stoner-boy, since he’ll be dead soon anyway.

Stubbs and Linderman go to the “computer” room, and from there they can see stoner-boy dumping pills down the drain. They go to stop him, but there’s Jason, who chops into the computers and starts getting electrocuted.

Stubbs tells Linderman to run, but Jason grabs Stubbs and shares the electrocution love. Linderman picks up Stubbs’s gun. He runs.

Will, Kima, and Lori head up to the drug room, where they discover that all the Hypnocil is gone.

Stoner-boy fills up two syringes with a whole lot of tranquilizer.

Jason breaks down the door on Will, Kima, and Lori, and they run away. Past stoner-boy, who doesn’t move, because of course Freddy is in him.

Jason walks up to stoner-boy, who injects Jason. Jason cuts stoner-boy in half. Then falls on the ground, dead asleep.

And now, it’s the dream world, and Jason is in the boiler room, being berated by his mother, who once again explains that Jason didn’t know when to stop killing. In case you missed that.

Then “mom” turns into “Freddy.” Freddy taunts Jason. Jason cuts off Freddy’s arms, which then grow back. Because it’s the dream world. There’s a lot of fighting, while the audience yells out, “Finally! Jason on Freddy action! Only took the movie an hour and five minutes to get there!”

Freddy beats up Jason, but Jason refuses to die. A pipe breaks, and Jason shies away from the water pouring out of it. Freddy realizes that Jason is afraid of water.

(Wow. This plot point really sucks. More than usual. Jason has survived trapped underwater for months. He lives near a lake. Making him afraid of water is super-lame.)

In the real world, all the remaining kids have tied up Jason. They’re driving him to Crystal Lake. It’s nighttime, so they should get there, like, noon the next day or so.

In the dream world, Jason drops his machete, then falls on the floor. He’s a little boy now, still wearing a hockey mask, which makes no sense, since he didn’t have it as a boy. Freddy takes it off of him, then shows him his own mother’s severed head.

(Know what’s lame? The woman who played Jason’s mom in the first “Friday the 13th” is still alive, and she isn’t in this movie. I’m guessing they didn’t offer her enough money. What a waste.)

Freddy sticks a claw into Jason’s head to learn what he’s really scared of.

So now we’re in the dream version of Crystal Lake, and Jason is hauling a dead body through a watery marsh-type thing. There are corpses. Let’s just zip on past that.

In the van, they decide to knock Lori out, so she can pull Freddy into the real world. Never mind that pretty much anyone can do it. They’re going to send Lori. What a great plan.

They knock Lori out, with the instructions to wake her up in exactly 15 minutes. Because you can always time grabbing a dream killer down to the second.

Lori goes to sleep, and arrives in Crystal Lake. It’s daytime. A bunch of kids are chasing after kid Jason and taunting him with the words, “Freak Show!” There’s more taunting. They stick a bag over his head and push him towards the water.

Lori runs over to the counselors and asks if they’re going to help “The kid.” But they’re busy, having some adult time. Also, the male counselor is actually Freddy, and the female is dead. Well. That’s icky.

In the real world, Linderman injects Jason with more dope.

In the dream world, Jason falls into Crystal Lake, and Lori tries to pull him out of the water. Freddy pops up, and tries to drown kiddo Jason.

In the real world, water starts pouring out of Jason. He’s drowning. So Kia has to give him mouth-to-mouth. Because Will is driving and Linderman has asthma.

Or rather, she’s about to give it to him, but Jason wakes up. Linderman fires the gun he took from Stubbs. Will freaks and hits a something, and the van flies in the air.

Jason goes flying into the woods. He’s awake, so…

In the dream world, kid Jason vanishes, un-drowned. Freddy looks up at Lori and says, “You!” Lori’s watch goes off. She jumps on Freddy and pins him to the dock, yelling to be woken up.

She vanishes, and un-vanishes in front of the Nancy house.

In the real world, the boys try to wake up Lori. They’re right by Crystal Lake, and not dead after that really quite elaborate crash. Convenient.

They carry Lori into the camp.

In the dream, Lori sees Freddy killing her mom. Freddy killed mom? Whoa. What a surprise. Freddy says he always had a thing for the whores who live in this house. Sure. Makes sense.

No, no. Wait just a second here. How did Freddy kill mom? Doesn’t he only attack teenagers? Except for Nancy’s mom? For some reason?

At any rate, Freddy stabs Lori’s mom. I’m puzzled by something, here. Will saw dad kill mom. So I suppose Freddy took over dad, in order to kill mom? Or Will dreamed the whole thing?

Lori runs away, only she gets tripped, smacks into the wall, and falls over. Freddy kneels over and starts scratching her with his claws.

In the real world, Jason breaks into the cabin they’re all hiding in and knocks over a gas can, which ignites. Will gets sliced, but somehow they all manage to lives a minute or two. Though Kia gets knocked into a wall.

In the dream world, Freddy is still kneeling over Lori, saying things like, “I should warn you princess, the first time tends to get a little messy.” While pulling up her nightgown.

I feel deeply uncomfortable.

Linderman stabs Jason with a flag pole. Jason slaps Linderman into a wall, where he’s impaled on a shelf bracket. He goes down.

Will drags Lori out of the shack, only her hand hits some fire.

In the dreams, she grabs Freddy as she wakes up.

Freddy is just about to kill her, but then he realizes this isn’t the dream world any more.

The cabin is on fire and Jason is there.

Throw-down time.

Jason smashes Freddy through some windows, then takes him out the door and throws him on the roof of another building.

Will and Lori run off.

Kia and Linderman also get out, and Linderman tells Kia to go get help. He’ll be fine. Just a scratch. So Kia leaves, and Linderman dies alone.

Well. That was bleak. The nerd dies by himself.

Kia runs to the water, where she sees Lori and Will. Freddy also catches up to Lori and Will, and gets ready to do some damage.

He’s remarkably mobile for a dude who just got thrown through a building.

Kia screams, and Freddy decides to go after Kia instead of Will and Lori.

Kia accuses Freddy of running around in a Christmas sweater, and not being scary. And using the claws to compensate for something.

Freddy points behind Kia. Jason throws her into a tree. She dies.

Will tries to get Lori to leave via boat. Lori insists she isn’t leaving until she sees Freddy die, since he killed her mother.

Yeah. Never mind that there’s also a dude with a machete and no qualms with killing pretty much everyone also on the beach right now.

Jason and Freddy throw down some more. First there’s punching. Then there’s assaulting with construction materials.

Then they both end up on a dock, with Jason cutting Freddy up a lot.

The thing of it is? I’m not sure how Freddy is living through all this. The dude is human, out here in the real world. Most of his body should be mush right now.

No matter. They fight on the dock. Freddy cuts off Jason’s fingers and takes his machete, and starts attacking Jason with it.

Lori and Will find a gas pump and cover the dock with gas. The director sure is attached to Lori and the whole water/fire thing, huh? You can admit you totally forgot about that. It’s okay.

Freddy keeps slashing at Jason, even though he stated at the start of the film that he knows Jason can never actually die. He shoves his claws into Jason’s eyes. Then his guts.

Lori runs out with two pieces of wood that are on fire. She yells to Freddy, and throws the fire on the dock, and the nearby tanks which exist only for the purpose of exploding.

Freddy, distracted, allows Jason to jam a hand inside him, then rip his claw-arm off. Freddy jams Jason’s machete into Jason.

The explode-y tanks go boom. Will and Lori jump into the water to avoid being incinerated.

Freddy and Jason are thrown off the dock and into the water.

Lori and Will climb up on the dock.

They embrace. Then hear a noise and look up. Freddy is on the dock, walking towards them with Jason’s machete in hand. He’s about to start whacking ‘em, when Jason pops out of the water and impales Freddy with his own claw-hand-arm.

Jason falls back into the water.

Freddy falls to his knees.

Lori gets up and chops off Freddy’s head with Jason’s machete.

Freddy’s head and body fall into the water.

Lori gets a from-the-feet-to-the-face heroic woman shot. She watches Jason sink into the water, face-up. She drops his machete and it sinks after him.

Will comes up behind her. They help each other limp off down the beach. Everything is pretty much on fire. That’ll please the developers.

The next morning. Mist on Crystal Lake. Jason pops out of the water. Also bad for developers.

He’s got his machete in one hand, and Freddy’s head in the other. Freddy’s head turns to the camera and winks.

Looks like the only thing that can kill Freddy is a remake.

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