Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

I think there were enough open-ended questions in “Halloween 5” that we should probably take a moment to lay them all out.

So here we go:

Is Jamie a killer? While it turns out that she did NOT kill her mother at the end of part 4, she did stab foster mom just a whole lot, and they haven’t really dealt with that yet.

Is Dr. Loomis alive? He looked mostly dead at the end of part 5, but it was pretty much a given that he burned to death at the end of part II. So. Maybe, maybe not.

Who is the man in the silver-toed boots, and why did he (she? it?) spring Michael from the clink?

Now that Jamie can talk again, is she going to move back in with her foster parents? Or get new foster parents?

Seriously, who in the world is going to work for the cop shop, now that every single officer of the law has been killed twice in the last two years?

Just what, exactly, is up with that symbol on Michael? And why was it on the wall of the Myers house? And why did the Myers house look totally different?

These and many more questions will probably be ignored or forgotten as we journey on. Let’s find out.

Just before the credits roll, we get one line: “Michael, please don’t hurt me,” and then a bunch of shots that look like they’re probably from the movie we’re about to see. As opposed to the movies we’ve already seen. Not sure what that’s about.

There’s a short credit sequence, so you know what movie you’re watching, and then we’re watching some girl on a hospital gurney being wheeled down a hallway by a bunch of medical types in surgical masks.

There’s a bunch of screaming from the girl, who might have entered into woman territory. It’s tough to say.

The medical types keep on wheeling her down the hall, and they finally take her into some sort of chamber, with a bunch of candles and sconces and what looks like at least one dude in a sort of monk-type robe, with a hood.

A short time later, a woman dressed as a doctor helps the woman give birth while yelling out, “Jamie, push.” Ah. It’s our girl Jamie (now played by a different actress), and she’s giving birth.

The movie jumps forward a minute or three, and the nurse, or the doctor, or whoever it is, is holding the baby while Jamie continues to lie on the gurney, mostly because she’s tied to it.

A man wearing an outfit very similar to silver toes’s from part 5 comes in, and the nurse/doctor/orderly hands the baby to him, which does not please Jamie one little bit.

In the next scene, a bunch of people in hooded robes, standing in a dark room lit only by a lot of candles, do some sort of ceremony. At the same time, a helpful but unseen narrator fills us in on all the backstory of Michael Myers.

He does add some helpful information, however – it seems that six years have passed since the last movie and this one, and according to the narration, both Michael and Jamie vanished.

So I guess Jamie sat around crying until silver toes came back for her. All right then.

The ceremony and narration continues. The narration speculates that maybe the group of people who ran off with Michael Myers wants to control him. Though it points out that you can’t control evil.

The scene concludes with one of the robed guys standing over the baby, who now has the Michael-mark drawn on his belly in bled. And yes, it’s a boy. The lack of diaper helps to confirm that.

Back in Jamie’s chamber, Jamie is sleeping on her gurney, when suddenly the nurse/doctor/orderly/nice woman in a smock/veterinarian shows up, and tells Jamie that they need to go right now if they want to save Jamie’s baby.

She hands the baby to Jamie. I’d love to know how to she got ahold of it in the first place. Perhaps crazy monk-types are really trusting.

Jamie and the baby and the doctor go running back down the halls we saw just a few short minutes ago. The doctor points to a door and tells Jamie it’s the way out. Jamie heads for the door while the doctor goes back down the hall she just came from.

Um, really?

You know, the thing is, doctors are supposed to be smart, right? I mean, there’s a ton of studying that goes into becoming a doctor. Or a nurse. Or anything in the medical profession, really. But this idiot, who knows that the baby is in some kind of danger, opts to head directly back into the pit full of cobras that she just left.

The doctor enters a hallway, and hears a loud thud. She calls out for Jamie, but no. It’s Michael. Who picks her up, and jams her head onto a large pointy thing that’s jutting out from the wall. For no reason.

No kidding. It’s just a big, jagged point. It doesn’t look like it’s decorative, or part of the overall scheme of how the walls are made. It’s just there in case someone with exceptional arm strength needs to kill someone else.

And they happen to be standing in the hall at that very moment.

Michael takes a second to examine his victim, and it’s clearly supposed to echo the way he looked at one of his victims in the first movie. Only he just looks sort of stupid. Who knew that staring at a dead person required acting ability?

Somewhere else in the building, Jamie runs up a spiral staircase, still carrying her baby. Eventually she emerges into what appears to be a construction site. She runs through a gap in a nearby fence, and spots a truck.

She hops in, and despite the fact that there’s a loud storm going on, she can still hear the guy standing several yards away, who yells out, “What are you doing to my truck?”

Jamie points somewhere while screaming, and the dude yells out, “What?” Then Michael grabs his head and twists it off his neck.

So I guess the truck belongs to Jamie now, based on the rules of the high seas. She starts the truck and drives away as fast as she can.

Man, she didn’t even look for a vehicle with a baby seat in it. She’s violating all kinds of laws.

Elsewhere, at some house, we see a Sold sign that says, “Strode Realty.”

Inside the house, a creepy dude dressed like Silver Toes says, “Danny, kill for him.” The Danny in question is a little blonde-haired boy who abruptly sits up in bed and yells for his mom.

Dude, you’re in a horror movie. You’re going to need to man up a little bit.

Mommy comes running in, and Danny says, “The Voiceman, he’s here. He says things. Bad things.”

Mommy says, “Like what?” Less than a second later, she says, “Okay.” Then she leaves.

You know how, sooner or later, every kid pulls out the whole, “You’re the worst mommy in the world,” gambit. If this kid ever does that, it will be tough to argue that he’s wrong.

As mommy leaves the room, she accidentally knocks one of Danny’s drawings off the wall. She picks it up and walks out.

In another room, mommy looks closer at the drawing, which looks just like the Michael-mark.

In the background, talk radio blares, so that the audience can hear that tomorrow night, they’ll be broadcasting from Haddonfield, “the town that banned Halloween in 1989.”

A woman calls in who claims to have a thing for Michel – she wants to know what’s under the mask. Depends on the movie, lady.

In the meantime, the worst mommy in the world has stripped down to her bra and panties. She looks out the window, and sees that someone in another house has trained a camera with a telephoto lens vaguely in the direction of her home.

To which I say, um, lady, that’s what shades are for. Maybe you should leave them shut.

The movie apparently doesn’t like girls very much, so it opts to jump over to the dude with the telephoto lens.

Dude walks over to the phone and calls the radio station, and we get to watch him tell the people out there in radio-land that he saw Michael Myers. So that would make him… Tommy? Worth a shot.

The flick then abandons maybe-Tommy and heads over to a lovely office, where an older fellow is typing away on a typewriter. You can’t quite see his face, but it looks like…

The man on the radio says, “Whatever happened to that psychiatrist of his, Loomis? I heard the old quack was dead.”

And Loomis, the older dude we’re looking at, turns to the camera and says, “Not dead. Just very much retired.”

Yes, folks, Dr. Loomis has just addressed the wall. Or a camera he keeps in his room. Or possibly something or someone else. Regardless, it’s pretty obvious that the guy is even more cracked than the last time we saw him.

Of course, the last time we saw him, he looked dead.

A few minutes later, Loomis lets in a visitor, who complains about the roads.

And then we’re back with Jamie, who parks her stolen truck, and goes into a bus station, still dressed in a hospital gown and carrying her baby. There’s no one in the building, so she goes to a pay phone and dials Hadddonfield Emergency Services. Because it’s pouring rain outside, Jamie gets an “All circuits are busy,” message.

Meanwhile, the radio continues to blare, even in the bus station, so that the audience knows that Haddonfield Junior College will be throwing a Halloween party the next night. Oh, and the DJ is going to be there.

The movie jumps back over to Dr. Loomis and pal. Pal wants Loomis to come back to Smith’s Grove, despite the fact that they just toasted retirement.

Suddenly, over the radio, Jamie’s voice emerges, announcing that Michael Myers is coming, and begging for help. She even goes so far as to ask for help from Dr. Loomis.

She then hangs up on Barry, the DJ, who goes off on a rant about how Halloween brings out all the wackos. Something tells me Barry isn’t going to make it to the end of this movie.

The baby starts to cry, so Jamie takes him to the bathroom and comforts him.

Here’s a thought, Jamie. Feeding him would probably be a good idea.

Suddenly, nothing happens, and Michael appears for pretty much no reason. Jamie does some whimpering (really, the subtitles say as much) and she goes to hide. She gets inside a stall and crouches down.

Michael goes into the bathroom, and the director tries to wring some suspense from Michael opening one stall door. Then opening another stall door. Then opening the last stall door… only Jamie isn’t there. But the window behind the stall is wide open.

Never mind that that Jamie was in the stall less than three seconds ago, and there was no way should could have gotten out carrying a baby, and she would have made a ton of noise going out the window.

Fine. Whatever.

In the next shot, Jamie is back in her stolen truck, driving down the road as fast as she can. Another vehicle comes up behind her and rams her off the road. She crashes, but her injuries are minor enough for her to get out of the truck, and walk into a nearby barn.

She hears a noise, turns around, there’s a flash of lightning, and there’s Michael standing in the shadows.

But rather than, say, running away, she instead opts to continue walking slowly through the barn. Michael walks up behind her, grabs her around the neck, and impales her on some sort of farming machine.

Jamie gasps out, “You can’t have the baby, Michael.”

Only he probably can, because the kid is more than likely still in the truck. Unless Jamie just left him somewhere. In which case, death is pretty much imminent anyway.

Michael turns the farming machine on, so Jamie can do some dramatic screaming while Michael heads out to the truck, where he finds the baby blanket with a towel tucked inside it.

Yep, Jamie’s final act as a mother was to abandon her kid to the elements.

Okay. A bunch of stuff happens in the next little snippet of movie, but it takes about five minutes for the flick to explain who anyone is, which is kind of headache inducing.

So here we go: Danny’s mom? Her name is Kara. And while the movie previously implied that they live together alone, the movie has decided that just isn’t going to work.

Instead, the next little sequence starts out with Kara’s dad, who is out on the lawn in his robe. A bunch of local kids have put up a cardboard standup of Michael Myers, which makes dad really angry. He chops “Michael” down with an axe and tells the kids to get off his property.

No lie.

Kara, meanwhile is sitting at the breakfast table with Danny, her brother, and her mom. Her dad comes in and gets all huffy about how kids today have no respect. Kara’s mom tries to make her eat, because she’s got a psychology test. Kara says that living in the house is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Exposition time! It seems that Kara moved out and vanished for a while, only to show up after five years with Danny in tow. This makes dad very angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Harsh words are exchanged, and dad slaps Kara across the face, then says a few more mean things. Sadly, because this is a horror movie, he will not be seeing the error of his ways. Instead, the movie has just painted a big old target on his back and said, “Okay, when THIS guy dies, you’re allowed to cheer.”

Daddy suddenly looks down, and realizes that Danny is pointing a kitchen knife at his belly. Kara gently takes the knife from him, and they leave the house.

Outside, Kara bumps into Beth and her boyfriend. Beth and crew are the ones organizing the big Halloween gathering at the junior college.

Kara turns to Danny and says, “I love you Danny. Please remember that when you stab grandpa to death, to make it look like an accident.” Okay, maybe the last part was more implied.

Over at the mental hospital, Loomis’s buddy tells the records-keeper to pull all of the files on Michael Myers. She immediately says she heard something about Jamie.

Back with Kara Company, as they drive down the street, Kara asks Beth about the weird guy who’s always staring out his window. She says that it’s Tommy. Tommy! It is you! Seeing as how he’s looking out windows at girls, I’m guessing things didn’t work out with Lindsey.

Kara is informed that, “On a weirdness scale of one to ten, he rates about a 13.”

Okay, a couple more notes, and then we’re moving on. Beth yells to a little old lady, then notes that she’s basically deaf. So try to remember that the landlady is deaf, because they clearly want you to know this.

Also, Kara stated that she lived in the Strode household.

Okay, well, Laurie Strode was obviously in the first two movies, but she died between movie two and movie four. Then her daughter went to go live with a foster family, because… I don’t know. Jamie would, you would think, go to live with a member of her extended family before she just got flung into foster care, right?

Unless Angry Mr. Strode was the only living relative. He seems like the kind of guy who would be all, “What? The kid’s mom is dead? Do I get anything in the will? No? Foster care for you!”

Right. Anyway. Just an odd little issue that causes the movie to make even less sense.

While Tommy is being declared a loony toon by the locals, he’s standing upstairs listening to a recording he made of the radio program everyone was listening to the night before. He listens to Jamie’s phone call, then backs it up and listens a second time – and this time, he hears someone on the loudspeaker of the bus station.

So now he knows where Jamie was.

Tommy heads to the bus station, and asks a man behind a desk if a bus arrived from Pontiac last night. The guy confirms it, so Tommy knows he’s in the same bus station that Jamie was in.

He walks over to a bank of pay phones, sits down by one of the phones, and looks at the floor, where he sees a pretty sizeable puddle of blood.

Just another day at the bus station, folks.

Or maybe the janitors are on strike. Tommy sees that there’s more blood on the floor, forming a trail that leads off somewhere.

Tommy follows the trail to the bathrooms, where he finds more blood in the sink. He hears a baby crying.

He cracks open a cabinet with some cleaning products in it, and there’s Jamie’s baby. Who has been sitting in a bus station for several hours, all alone, wrapped only in a blanket, with no food of any kind.

Did I mention the cleaning products?

Tommy picks up the kid, and tells the baby it’s okay. Only it really, really isn’t okay. That kid needs to eat. And unless it’s wearing a REALLY impressive diaper, that blanket has to be soaked through several times over.

Meanwhile, over at the barn that Michael finally iced Jamie in, Loomis and his pal show up to take a look. Michael’s mark is burned into the hay bales.

Loomis’s friend wants to know what it means. “It’s his mark. He’s come home,” says Loomis, whose brain is apparently so fried that he doesn’t realize he isn’t in Haddonfield yet.

Oh, and Loomis’s friend’s name is Wynn. Thanks, subtitles. You’re way more helpful than the actual movie.

At the college, Beth, Beth’s boyfriend Tim (who is also Kara’s brother), and Kara are walking across campus while Kara looks for her term paper. She accidentally drops all her books, and Beth picks up a drawing.

Kara explains that Danny has been having nightmares. Danny’s picture features a bunch of stick figures with knives in their bellies, next to a large black thing that’s labeled Thorn.

And just in case you weren’t sure who the people in the picture are, their names are written down, too: Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Tim, and Mommy.

Over at the local emergency room, Tommy runs in and says there’s a problem with “his” baby, and he needs to see a doctor, now.

Then he walks away from the front desk, and goes over to talk to Loomis, who just happens to be there.

Aaand: Exposition time again! Sigh.

Tommy tells Loomis who he is, then informs him that the family that adopted Laurie, the Strodes, have relatives in town. Oh, and Jamie’s not the last of Michael’s bloodline. And he has a theory about Michael.

Then security shows up.

So Tommy runs off, still carrying a hungry naked baby. He tells Loomis, as he leaves to meet him at the campus gathering at 9 O’clock.

Back at the Strode house, Kara’s mom brings in a bin of wood, and also an axe. She heads to the basement just in time to hear the washing machine die. She flips a really massive fuse, which fixes nothing, and suddenly a bunch of water pours out onto the floor.

Where it’s coming from is a mystery. Is there a hole in the bottom of the machine, or what?

Grandma heads upstairs, where she hears a noise. Loomis is in the house. I guess he just walked in there. He says he came there to help the Strode family. I’m sure if some random old dude wandered into my house and told me the same thing, I’d probably find the nearest blunt object and hit him with it.

Tommy, in the meantime, has gone back to the boardinghouse where he lives, which is run by the kindly deaf lady. Which works out well for her, because the kid is STILL naked and STILL starving and STILL screaming.

Tommy names him Steve (really) and finally wipes the Michael mark off of Steve’s chest. I guess being slightly less dirty makes the kid happy, because instead of freaking right out and demanding to be fed, Steve starts cooing.

I suppose it’s possible I’m wrong, but I get the feeling that the people who made this movie have never seen a living baby in their lifetime. FEED THE KID, TOMMY, OR IT WON’T BE NECESSARY FOR MICHAEL TO KILL HIM.

Okay, I’m feeling better now.

Back at the Strode house, Loomis tries to convince grandma that Michael is really, really evil, and that all of Michael’s memories are locked up in the Myers/Strode house.

Out on the street, Danny is walking to somewhere-or-other, while a truck drives by, announcing the fact that Barry the DJ is going to be at the Halloween party that night.

As it rounds a corner, Danny looks up, and see Silver Toes, who is standing on the next block. And here we all thought the movie had forgotten about him.

Danny, who is distracted, almost runs into Tommy. This causes Danny to drop his pumpkin, which shatters on the ground.

Tommy apologizes.

Back at the Strode house, Grandma Strode calls Grandpa Strode and says that she’s taking the kids and getting out of the house. Also that they moved into the house because Grandpa’s brother couldn’t sell it – which I guess makes him Jamie’s great-uncle. So that’s all tidied up, now.

Meanwhile, in the background, we can see Michael, who is stalking up to Grandma. Until Grandma turns around and there’s no one there.

Minutes later, Grandma is hauling a suitcase downstairs. She sees a bin that should have an axe in it lying on the floor. The axe is gone.

The phone rings. Grandma picks it up, and a creepy voice on the other end of the line says, “We want the child.”

Grandma turns around, and Michael is standing just a few feet away.

She runs out of the house, trips, and drops her glasses, so she can have a Scooby-Doo moment on the ground.

She puts on her glasses, looks up, and there’s Michael, with the axe. The axe comes down, and blood artfully sprays across a clean white sheet.

A short while later, Kara arrives home, and discovers that the door is locked. She unlocks the door and opens it – but there’s a chain on the door, and she can’t get in. So she walks around to the back, where she sees laundry drying on the lines.

Man, the back steps could really use some paint.

Kara goes into the house, and wanders around going, “Mom? Mom?” Then she shakes things up a bit by calling to Danny. He’s not there either.

(You know, I have to say, as an adoptive parent – it’s nice that Michael thinks of the people who adopted his sister as family. You just don’t see that kind of acceptance in the motion picture industry all that often.)

Kara heads upstairs, calling out for her mom.

Finally, she goes into a room – and there’s Danny, playing a handheld video game. While Tommy sits on the bed next to him.

Danny. Dude. When your mom calls for you, answer her.

Kara starts to get upset with Tommy, who is now carrying Steve around in a different blanket. Tommy asks Kara if knows whose room this used to be.

Tommy takes Kara and Danny back to his room at the boarding house. Kara asks what they’re supposed to do in Tommy’s room.

Seeing as how she already has a kid, I would think she could figure out what a boy wants when he invites a girl up to his room.

But no, Tommy wants Kara to watch the Myers house through the window. He notes that you can see everything. He does not point out the camera sitting in the window, because he’s classy like that.

Danny takes a peek out the window, and there’s Michael, standing on the lawn. He calls out to his mom, and Kara says, “Not now, Danny.” So she doesn’t get to see the killer standing on the lawn, since Danny opts not to be all that insistent.

Tommy, meanwhile seems to have finally figured out that babies needs to eat, and he heats up a bottle for Steve in the microwave. Which you aren’t supposed to do. Hot spots. Yeah, whoever made this movie hasn’t even met a baby.

Tommy tries to feed Steve, who refuses to eat. Probably because the formula is scalding his insides. For all the good Tommy is doing, he should have left the kid in the bathroom. Maybe punched it in the face once or twice.

Kara takes the baby from Tommy, and the kid finally calms down a bit. Now the kid is just hoping he doesn’t get another scalding mouthful of liquid.

Later, Tommy pulls up a bunch of runes on his computer, and explains to Kara that runes are a kind of early alphabet. And that they were, “symbols carved out of stone or pieces of wood, used in pagan rituals.”

He goes on: “Among the ancient druids, Thorn represented a demon that spread sickness, brought death to hundreds of thousands of people. According to Celtic legend, one child from each tribe was chosen to be inflicted with the curse of Thorn, to offer blood sacrifices of its next of kin on the night of Samhain.”

Kara helpfully interjects: “Halloween.”

Thanks, Kara. Everyone who missed “Halloween II,” and is also incapable of making even tiny leaps of logic, appreciates you spoon-feeding us.

Tommy continues: “The sacrifice of one family meant sparing the lives of an entire tribe. For years, I’ve been convinced there must be some reason, some method behind Michael’s madness. The druids were also great mathematicians and astronomers, but the Thorn symbol is actually a constellation of stars that appears from time to time on Halloween night. Whenever it appears, he appears. Coincidence?”

I don’t know whether to be impressed or not just how far the writer had to reach up his own rear end to pull that explanation out. Though I have to admit, “Oh, this symbol appears from time to time on Halloween night,” is pretty chuckle-worthy.

Whatever. We’re going to go with it.

Tommy concludes by alluding to the fact that the reason people are looking for Steve is so they can kill him, and wipe out the bloodline. Which makes no sense, really. They had Jamie for years. All Michael had to do was kill her, and the bloodline would have come to an end. Why wait around for six years?

Tommy sets Steve down to sleep, and prepares to leave. Kara asks where he’s going, and he says he’s headed out to get help from the only man who can stop Michael.

I guess we have to assume that he’s talking about Loomis. Though I feel compelled to rehash my argument that Loomis is pretty much a big, fate failure when it comes to stopping Michael.

Suddenly Kara realizes that Danny isn’t anywhere to be seen. She freaks out and heads out of Tommy’s room, calling out to Danny. Who didn’t answer his mom last time she yelled to him, so why would he start now?

The moment of suspense comes to a crashing halt when Kara and Tommy get downstairs and find Danny watching TV with the landlady.

Tommy heads out, warning Kara and Danny not to go back to their house, no matter what.

Over at the hospital, a doctor tells Loomis and his buddy that they found placental fluid during Jamie’s autopsy. Loomis says he thinks he knows where the baby is.

Here’s a question for you, Loomis. Where did all your scar tissue go?

At the Halloween festival, Tommy wanders around.

Back at Tommy’s boarding house, the landlady, who suddenly seems to hear okay, because she asks Danny what Halloween is all about, and when he says candy, she doesn’t say, “Speak up, son,” decides to tell Danny the true story of Halloween, and how a long time ago, “It was a night of great power.”

And then blah-blah-blah. Until finally Kara, who is upset that she doesn’t get to spoon-feed the audience exposition any more, tells Danny to say goodnight.

The landlady suddenly says, “He hears the voice, you know. Just like the other boy that lived in that house.”

Is there more? Yes, there’s more: “I was babysitting with him that night. Little Mikey Myers that lived across the street. And that’s when the voice came, the night he murdered his sister.”

(Little Mikey Myers? Boy does that sap some of his mystique.)

Kara asks, “Michael heard a voice?”

The landlady replies, “It told him to kill his family.”

I realize I’ve been interjecting a lot, but, wow. Let’s take this whole scene apart, for just a moment.

Okay, regardless of whether or not her story makes a lick of sense, she’s the worst babysitter ever. At the very start of “Halloween,” here’s what happens (I’m quoting myself, here):

It seems it’s Halloween in 1963, and here we were in a little old point-of-view shot, first walking up to a house, then peeking through the windows inside the house, so we can watch a teenaged girl and a teenaged boy make out for a bit.

The girl and boy head upstairs, where I’m sure they’re going to engage in a wholesome activity of some kind.

Then “we” run around to the back of the house, open a drawer in the kitchen, and pull out a rather large knife. Perhaps “we” just want some more Halloween turkey?

No, it seems like “we’re” going to head upstairs, pausing and hiding when the boyfriend, who is tucking his shirt in and leaving a minute after “we” saw him head upstairs.

“That was quick” doesn’t seem to cover it.

“We” head upstairs, where we find a little clown mask and put it on. So now we’re looking through eye slits as we head into the girl’s room and stab her to death. She calls out “our” name – Michael.

“We” head outside, the shot reverses, and a dad-and-mom looking couple pull off “our” mask and inquire, “Michael?”

Okay. Quick quiz: Where was the babysitter in this scenario? If Michael was staying at her place, how did he leave the house without her knowing? He was gone quite a while. Also, his mask was at his house. Did the babysitter just tell him to go get it?

If Michael’s sister was at home, why wasn’t SHE babysitting Michael? Most parents I know shove their teenage kids into free servitude as frequently as they can. It’s not like his sister was doing anything. Er, except her boyfriend.

Let’s forget all that for a second, though.

How did the landlady know that Michael heard voices in his head telling him to kill his whole family? And why didn’t she ever tell anyone? Did she just hate all of the Myers clan, and tell little Mikey, “You know, you SHOULD kill your family?”

And how does she know that Danny hears voices as well. Did Danny tell her? And seeing as how Michael has gone on to kill a whole slew of people, why isn’t she freaking out a bit more that Danny hears the same voices Michael does?

All these questions, and more, will probably not be answered by the end of this motion picture.

Over at the Myers house, Grandpa pulls into the driveway. He is quite drunk.

He wanders into the house, where he drunkenly calls out to Grandma. Only of course, she’s dead. Then all the lights go out.

Grandpa grabs a flashlight and jokes that it must be the boogeyman. Then he hears the broken washer thumping downstairs.

He heads down to the basement to check it out, noting that the power is off. He shuts off the washer (how? The power is off!) and opens it up. It’s filled with bloody sheets. Grandpa turns around, and there’s Michael.

Michael stabs grandpa in the belly, picks him up, and shoves the knife into the power box. Grandpa’s head explodes.

At the Halloween festival, Barry-the-DJ interviews Beth about how awesome it is that they’re having a Halloween gathering.

Well, okay, actually what’s happening is that Beth is telling the world that the man can’t keep them down anymore, and that they’ll totally have a Halloween party if they want it.

In the midst of all her babbling, Beth points out that Tim, her boyfriend, lives in the Myers house. Tim clearly was not aware of this fact.

Barry thinks this is like, so cool. “You mean,” he says, “to tell me you actually live in the house of the most brutal mass murderer in history?”

Barry decides they’re going to take the show on the road, and head to the Myers house to continue the broadcast.

Tim and Beth head over to the house.

Barry heads over to his van, yammering on his phone about how they should have been at the Myers house in the first place. He’s not happy, which causes him to say several mean things so that when Michael ices him, the audience will be sort of happy.

Barry gets to his van, gets inside, and Michael stabs him to death.

I guess he wasn’t a fan? (Sorry. That’s a terrible joke. But I don’t feel like picking apart the logic problems at this point. Honestly, why is Michael in the van? Was he just waiting for Barry to show up? How long was he going to wait? Doesn’t he have family to kill?)

Tim and Beth arrive at the house, and discover that the lights won’t turn on. Tim calls out to his family members, who aren’t there. He asks Beth whether it’s really true that he lives in the Myers house.

Tough to say, dude. Your house doesn’t look anything like the house in part 5, that’s for sure. It’s fairly close to the house in part 1, though. So, you know. Maybe.

Beth finishes telling Tim the story that I already retold you a second ago, and then Tim says that they should get the candles. Beth says, “Just a minute.” Making out starts to ensue. Beth has no idea how accurate the word “minute” was in that statement.

Back with Tommy as the festival, Tommy hears a little girl say, “Mommy, it’s raining red. It’s warm.”

He looks up in a tree, and sees Barry’s dead body. Which Michael apparently found the time to stuff up there. Without anyone seeing it.

A tree branch breaks. Barry’s body falls to the ground. There is some screaming and running.

Loomis races over to Tommy, allowing us to see that, yeah, his hand scars are also missing. Apparently his retirement fund allowed him to afford massively expensive plastic surgery.

Loomis asks Tommy where the baby is.

Back at the Myers house, Tim and Beth have wrapped up their tryst. Beth notes that Kara wouldn’t be happy if Kara found out they used her bed. No, probably not.

Tim decides to go take a shower.

Minutes later, he’s finished with his shower, and he asks Beth for a towel. He doesn’t notice that the hand giving him the towel has the Thorn mark on it. Michael just handed him a towel. What a pal. Maybe he’ll help Tim scrub his back next.

Tim gets out of the shower and wipes off the mirror, and Michael cuts his throat. I’m willing to field any and all theories why he waited for Tim to get out of the shower first.

Meanwhile, Kara has noticed a light on in her room. She calls her house, and Beth picks up. Kara tells Beth to grab Tim and get out of the house.

Next to Kara, Danny hears “the voice” again.

Kara looks through the telephoto lens on Tommy’s camera, and sees Michael. She tries to warn Beth, but it’s too late. Michael stabs Beth to death.

Kara freaks out, and looks away from the window – to the ground, where Danny is walking to the house.

Kara turns around to confirm that Danny is gone. Yep. He’s missing.

Kara runs over to the Myers house, and in the front door, just in time to see Danny heading up the stairs. She grabs a poker from the fireplace and goes looking for Danny.

Kara walks to her room, where she sees Beth lying under the covers. She goes to lift the blanket, because she apparently has the brain of a goldfish and has already forgotten that she just watched Michael give Beth a whole lot of stabbings.

Tim is under the cover, all dead and bloody.

Kara jumps back and gasps, then turns around and sees Danny in his room, staring off into space. She tells him it’s okay.

Only it isn’t, because Michael is right behind Kara. She tells Danny to run, and he goes down the hall and down the stairs. Kara slams the door in Michael’s face, then backs down the hall slowly.

Grandma tumbles down from the ceiling. Somehow. I don’t even care why or how at this point.

Kara screams and runs down the stairs.

Michael follows, and Kara, who was hiding out of sight on the stairs, clocks him with the fire poker.

Outside, Tommy and Loomis pull up in Tommy’s jeep.

Inside, Kara heads down the stairs, slowly, holding the poker on Michael. He’s just lying on the floor.

Kara gets to the floor, and sees Danny standing on the opposite side of Michael. She tells Danny not to move, she’s going to come get him. She steps over Michael, picks up Danny, and Michael grabs her ankle and squeezes.

She hits his hand with the poker, grabs Danny by the arm, and they run out the front door.

Tommy and Loomis, meanwhile, are standing in Tommy’s room pondering where the baby might have gone.

Kara and Danny pound on the front door, and Tommy lets them in and locks it.

A short discussion ensues, which basically goes, “Hey, where’s the baby?” Tommy asks Loomis who else knew where the baby went? Loomis says the only people who knew were him and…

Suddenly, the voice in Danny’s head pipes up: “Danny, come to me.” Only it isn’t just in Danny’s head, because everyone else hears it too.

Danny starts walking away.

Everyone follows after a moment, and there’s Danny, sitting with Silver Toes. Who is, of course, Wynn.

A bunch of “monks” in hooded robes walk up. Wynn says, “Careful with the girl.” Kara runs away, and goes upstairs. Instead of out the front door. She finds the landlady, who has the baby. And a knife. And a creepy look on her face.

So Kara jumps out a window.

Fade to black.

Tommy and Loomis talk on the lawn. They’ve been drugged, and Kara is gone. Tommy wants to know why they didn’t just kill Loomis and himself.

Loomis says, “It’s his game, and I know where he wants to play it.”

Kara wakes up on a bed, dressed all in white, inside an empty room.

Loomis and Tommy head wherever Wynn likes to play his games. Ah. Smith’s Grove. I guess they didn’t want to build a set and not get the full value out of it.

Loomis tells Tommy to stay back in one of the hallways until Loomis comes to get him. Great plan, Loomis. Send the old man with a gun to solve this problem. Don’t worry about having backup or anything.

Loomis goes to Wynn’s office. Wynn is happy to see him. For some reason.

Tommy, still in the hallway, hears a woman screaming. He walks slowly towards the noise, concerned he might have to help someone. He’s kind of sleepy now, so he’d like to avoid having to assist someone if he can help it.

Loomis asks Wynn, “Why… now?”

Wynn replies: “Because you were the first one to see it. And you recognized its power. Evil. Pure. Uncorrupted. Ancient.”

He asks Loomis to join him.

Loomis says, “I thought Michael was a monster. But you…” then someone clubs him in the back of the head. Probably to keep him from talking about how evil Michael is again. It’s been five movies, Loomis. We get the picture.

Tommy opens an unlocked door labeled Maximum Security. He keeps on walking, until he hears a door open nearby. “Kara?” he asks.

There’s a scream, and Tommy turns around and falls over. A really freaky-looking woman with bad teeth says, “He walks amongst us, brother. He’s come back, and… he’s very angry.” She indicates the big bloody rip in her hospital gown. Then she dies.

Kara yells out to Tommy, and Tommy grabs a fire extinguisher and tries to break her door open. Michael appears down a nearby hall, and Tommy makes a bunch of odd faces. I’m going to pretend that these bizarre facial tics were supposed to be intercut with shots of a young Tommy running away from Michael in terror, because otherwise, he looks like he’s trying to scare Michael off using his Don Knotts impersonation.

Tommy finally breaks through the door at the very last second, and he yanks Kara out, and they run. They go through a door made of standard issue prison bars, and Michael reaches through it and grabs Kara around the neck.

Tommy runs away, looking for a weapon. He finds a large-ish gun and shoots Michael in the chest, point-blank. Michael goes flying.

Tommy and Kara go down another hall, with lots of pipes on the wall.

Moments later, they’re back in a normal hospital corridor, and they see Wynn and crew getting ready to do something surgical to the baby, who is in a well-lit room. Oh, and there’s Danny, about three feet away from the baby.

Kara says, “There’s Danny,” then Tommy grabs her and pulls her over a sink.

A nearby door squeaks open, and Michael walks through it. And past them. Without looking slightly to the side. Yay for Halloween masks which obstruct your vision.

As he walks into another hall, there’s a clunk, and Michael turns around to investigate the noise. Only, of course, Tommy and Kara are now hiding somewhere else, so Michael doesn’t see them.

Michael picks up what looks like a machete. What on earth is that in the hospital for? Just in case?

Tommy looks around the corner to see what’s going on in the “surgery” room, and a bloodied nurse smashes into a nearby window.

Then Michael takes his recently located machete and slices up every single person in the surgery room.

Full, brutal, honesty here folks. I have no idea why Michael just cut everyone up. I really don’t. None at all. I’d like to help you, but I can’t.

I guess we’ll just go ahead and move along to the ending, here.

Tommy grabs Steve, and Kara grabs Danny, and they all make a run for it.

Down the hall, random extra #22 runs away from Michael, who is right behind him.

Everyone runs down the hall o’ pipes from a minute ago. Michael’s doing that walking thing all horror movie icons do, because running is beneath them.

Tommy and pals run through a door made up of bars, and close it, and keep running.

Random extra #22 reaches the door, and Michael comes up behind him and pounds #22’s head into the door until the door falls over.

Tommy and crew run all the way back to the Maximum Security door, and keep on going. Michael gets ahead of them somehow, so they run down another hall, and another, and finally they run into another room and lock the door from the inside.

Kara looks around and sees a bunch of… fetuses? Babies? I have no idea. They’re all in what look like backlit fish tanks. The camera pans over to show us some DNA strand picture, with some words.

Then Michael punches a hole in the door, so he can reach the locks.

Tommy and gang run and hide. Kara picks up a big old pipe and gets ready to swing it at Michael.

Tommy steps out from behind somewhere Kara is not, holding the baby blanket. “Michael, you’ve won.” Tommy laughs, all crazy-like. “He’s yours.”

Tommy offers the “baby” to Michael, who goes to take it. Only the baby, who is NOT in the blanket, cries from some other part of the room.

Tommy reaches into the blanket and pulls out four syringes, filled with who knows what, and injects Michael.

Michael tosses Tommy across the room.

Kara pops out of hiding, and starts clubbing Michael in the head with the pipe she’s got in her hands. This goes on for a few seconds, until Michael grabs Kara by the head, throws her on the table, and starts choking her.

Danny calls out, “Leave her alone,” and Michael does, dropping Kara on the floor. Michael walks towards Danny, who is holding Steve.

Danny calls out for his mommy. Time to man up, dude. Running is probably optimal at this point.

Suddenly, Tommy appears and stabs Michael with yet another syringe, because that worked so well the first time. Then Tommy starts clubbing Michael over the head with a pipe.

Kara and Danny and the baby run for it. Loomis finds them in the hall. Loomis shoots at the panel that operates one of the barred doors, so Kara and Danny can get out, and then tells Danny and Kara to get in the elevator. They do.

Meanwhile, Tommy just keeps on pounding Michael in the head.

Eventually, some kind of goo covers Michael’s head. Tommy looks like he’s going to walk away, then he changes his mind and keeps on pounding. Good job, Tommy.

Eventually, Michael looks very dead, so Tommy walks away. Dude. No. Turn around and set fire to the guy, and stay there until you can stir his ashes.

Outside, Tommy, Kara, Danny, and the baby are in Tommy’s vehicle. They ask Loomis to come with them.

Loomis says he has some business to attend to. Pee in the bushes, Loomis, and get out of there. You should know better by now.

Everyone except Loomis drives away.

The movie cuts to a shot of the lab where Michael just took a bunch of whacks to the head. It pans down, and there’s Michael’s mask, lying on the floor. With no Michael in it.

There’s a scream, which sounds something like Loomis, but really, it could be anyone.

The movie cuts over to a shot of the Myers house, with a lit Jack O’Lantern on the doorstep. The end.

Seriously. That’s it. Hope y’all weren’t attached to closure. You’re not getting any, because the movie does not like you.

I’m sure this will all get cleared up in part seven, right? Right?

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